I sometimes avoid things!
My name is Jon and I sometimes avoid things!
It’s important I don’t identify with my “Avoider” as he’s a bit of a nasty character! So my declaration is not quite of the Alcoholics Anonymous variety: I’m not saying “I am an avoider” because most of the time I’m not. However, sometimes I am and that can catch me out.
Let’s take a look what this Avoider character does. He takes all these strengths:
An easy-going, even-keeled temperament
The ability to be flexible and adaptable in both mind and behaviour
A positive outlook
A desire and ability to ease conflict
And then messes with my mind! He tells me the following:
You are a good person to consider how others feel
It is good to be flexible
Conflict is best avoided
Someone needs to keep the peace
The sneaky bastard! Because of course they sound right. Right? At least they do to someone who has a strong Avoider in their make-up!
And many times they are good advice. Unfortunately many times they are not. They can lead to trouble! They can lead to trouble that creates the very thing that my Avoider is trying to … avoid!
For instance, I might avoid conflict in the hope that I maintain peace and keep good relationships. However, the other person may sense that I am holding back, that I’m not saying what I really feel. That actually creates distance between us - the trust that person has in me is diminished as they are not sure when negative information is being withheld. The result… a relationship that is not as close as if I had spoken about the things that were bothering me. A conflict that is allowed and then resolved in the right way actually brings people closer.
How to know when my Avoider has the upper hand over my innate strengths? Negative emotion - it feels bad. That is my warning sign that I might be avoiding something that I need to address. I then need to check-in with myself to see what I might be avoiding and why. Perhaps I’m not expressing my needs - I’m putting them to one-side for the sake of peace. Or maybe I’m not honouring my own boundaries - perhaps a work colleague is being unreasonable and I’m holding back from calling them out on it.
We all have a mixture of these sneaky bastards - the voices of our inner critic, also know as our “Saboteurs”.
Take this short test to discover yours: https://www.positiveintelligence.com/assessments
I’d love to hear what you learn in the comments below!
Jon
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Thank you to Shirzad Chamine and Positive Intelligence for the inspiration and information behind this article.
They offer a 6-week programme to build your Mental Fitness - to build your mental muscles and defeat your Saboteurs!
For more details: https://www.positiveintelligence.com/program
If this programme interests you then get in touch as I am approved by Positive Intelligence to offer it to my clients. In addition to everything that is provided through the programme, I am there to support you with weekly calls, at a more competitive price than going direct. I believe in this programme so much you can have your money back if you’re not satisfied at the end of it!
This article is part of 100 Days of Creation, my challenge to myself to write 100 articles in 140 days, each taking no longer than 30 minutes to write and publish.